i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
