I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
