Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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