I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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