I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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