my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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