I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
