We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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