its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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