i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
