god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
