YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Randomize
