I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
