I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
