tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
