you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
