Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
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His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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