WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
