Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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