Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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