kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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