I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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