i came on her dog
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
God I need to hump something, right now.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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