We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
