i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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