Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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