I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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