I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
