just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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