Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
