If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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