You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
