I just threw up on my dentist
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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