a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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