too bad you live with your parents still
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
