Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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