I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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