Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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