I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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