well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
