you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
