it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
