I wish they made helmets for livers.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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