I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
