My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
