You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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