Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
