It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
