Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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