i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I touched a dick in church today
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I came so hard my ears popped.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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