chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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