Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You are the jesus of drinking
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
