I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
