You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
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Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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