How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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