Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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