New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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